The Awful Truth

While spicy Posh does the pretentious fashion thang in Hell-Ay, sex-ay Becks gets it all right in the U.K. Plus, whose booty is giving J.Lo and Tyra a run for their munchlicious money? Get ready to love to hate… Before we get to Hell-Ay's version of dressed-up trashy lingerie (the recent Chanel show), I've got a promise to fulfill, I know. Mentioned yesterday that a certain Dancing with the Stars star is suffering from a little too much junk in his or her trunk.

Now, let's be clear: I'm a huge fan of big-time, munchlicious rear ends. After all, J.Lo did more for the Booty Movement than she ever did for, say, the institution of marriage—and I adore her so for plugging primo the plus-size derriere set. (I reluctantly include Tyra Banks in this category, I s'pose, it's just that that woman's scary locks, looks 'n' leading ways with her guests on air scare the In-N-Out outta me—far more Dina Lohan than Diane Sawyer, ya know?)

So, it is with great trepidation (hence the above foray into Tyra-hon's reportorial technique, or lack thereof) that I announce which major player on Dancing has his handlers complaining about his behemoth bottom:

Apolo Anton Ohno. That's him. A-man's the culprit who's got the dressers on the damn show complaining that they have to "keep letting out" the former speed skater's pants. Love it! At least the corpulence cops are gunning after a man for a change!

(And, yes, I can just see the politically correct figure huggers writing to me tomorrow, complaining that no one's bod should be policed—which, of course, is true, but this is a gossip column, so dream friggin' on.)

Also, top inside Dancing snoops insist to moi that A.A.O. is the only contestant to have gained—instead of lost—weight during the show's rigorous training regime. Too ironic fer wobbly words.

What's your caloric poison, Mr. O.? I'm dying to know. Mine's anything fried, natch, as I'm just a trashy thang from the South.

But like I said, I do simply dig that this big-booty gab's all about a guy, unlike the usual tabloid-terrorizing parade aimed at women who weigh an ounce over 100 pounds.

Tyra, I think you've got a whole week's worth of topics here, don't you?

Oh, and bury the friggin’ lead, already! Congrats on winning top hoofer place, A-man! Guess those judges liked that junk in your trunk as much as I do! Sisters were doin' it solo Friday night at the 2007-08 Chanel Cruise show. All the fashionista femmes were there, but where were their boy-toys? Posh came minus Becks, Jessica Alba was Cash-less and Demi ducked in sans Ashton. Odd, isn't it? David Beckham and Ashton Kutcher so seem like the type to be into pricey threads.

Also in the house were the Olsen twins, seated together and sipping glasses of red wine, a Karl Lagerfeld-schmoozing Lindsay Lohan and Emmy Rossum, who told me about her biggest fashion faux pas.

"High-heeled sneakers," she fessed. "They were neon green with hot-pink laces. I wore them every day of third grade. It was terribly embarrassing." 

Emmy, who looked adorable and perfectly stylish in a basic black Chanel number, natch, also weighed in on whether partying hard is in or out of style. "I think partying when you have downtime is always in style, and cutting loose is always in style," she began. "But I think when you're working, you gotta work." Speaking of work, girlfriend could use some these days, right? Has she done anything since Poseidon? Definitely without downtime lately was Ali Larter, who’s been bustin’ her booty on the Heroes set. Her opinion on partying was a bit different than Emmy’s. “I think everything is okay a little bit,” she laughed. “I mean, come on, a glass of champagne never hurt a girl!”   Glasses of bubbly were plentiful inside said show, which was held in a hangar at the Santa Monica Airport...you know, that place where Brad and Angie land their private jets instead of traveling with the commercial commoners at LAX. The catwalk began on the stairs of a Chanel-emblazoned jet, which the models marched out of before hitting the conveyor-belt style runway. I was just waiting for one of those skinny minnies to trip on the moving catwalk, but they all did an admirable job of staying upright. 
Clearly, these models were pros, unlike Carmen Electra and Alison Sweeney, who totally face-planted at a fashion show a while back. And, like, I actually saw most of the gamine girls eating after they did their thang at the postparty. Color me surprised! Apolo, you fab thang! Look what you've begun!