Confession time: We have never seen A Christmas Story.
We went into tonight's live musical production of the tale knowing only that we were in for an inexplicable leg lamp and a child named Ralphie who really wants a gun, and those are indeed some things we got.
But we also got a few other things, like a nice big SNL reunion (Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer, Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon & Will Ferrell in a commercial), Jane Krakowski being truly incredible, and a new crush on a man named Chris Diamantopoulos.
However, we can't say we loved everything about the 3 hour production. The first thing we did not love was that it was three hours long, because almost nothing should ever be three hours long.
It was also just kind of weird and sad to watch the Parker family yell at each other through the Christmas season in between cheery songs about leg lamps and Hanukkah, then bond over a rifle.
Sure, it ended well, but there was a part of us that was hoping Ralphie's parents might actually stick to their...guns...and not get him that rifle he definitely didn't need.
We will say that Andy Walken was an excellent Ralphie, and Matthew Broderick was an excellent older Andy Walken, so those were some extremely good casting choices, along with all the other casting choices. This was a well-cast production!
Anyway, on to our ranking of the top five musical numbers...
5. Maya Rudolph's sad mom song
Honestly, Rudolph deserved something bigger and better (a kick line, some epic costume changes, something!), but she makes the list because she's Maya Frickin' Rudolph.
4. The Greatest Showman Live
We are VERY excited for this movie, people. And a live performance during a commercial break was a pretty dang brilliant idea. We're going to need the entire movie live, please. Or just cast Zac Efron and Zendaya in all future live musicals.
3. Ana Gasteyer's Hanukkah tune
Just when our attention and energy were starting to lag, Ana Gasteyer showed up with a menorah to lift our spirits. She is a true miracle.
2. Mr. Parker's song about winning a leg lamp
The whole leg lamp plot is the weirdest thing, but it did turn into a pretty snazzy song and dance number that really ignited a deep crush on Chris Diamantopoulos.
1. Jane Krakowski's tap dancing
Jenna Maroney would have been so proud but also extremely jealous, and she never would have let those talented kids close enough to her to possibly show her up. Luckily, Jane Krakowski cannot be shown up by even the most talented of children, and we'll be singing "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out" till Christmas morn'.
A Christmas Story Live aired on Fox.