Vogue's cover story on Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (excerpted on their website) reads like a high school creative writing assignment, where the writer (Hamish Bowles) wrote everything out, then went back and used right-click Microsoft Word Thesaurus to make it sound fancy.
The good news: He's not going to get flagged for plagiarism on turnitin.com.
The bad news: What does any of this mean?! We wouldn't blame you if, after reading the profile, you find yourself confused. Maybe not North West at a photoshoot confused (see: above), but confused nonetheless.
So we have translated the text for you. Enjoy:
The Text: "The fast-cooling Los Angeles afternoon air is filled with the scent of eucalyptus and mimosa, the gurgle of water as it tumbles down a fountain wall into a picture-perfect azure pool, the exultant strains of Pharrell Williams's ‘Happy,' and a chorus of ‘Old MacDonald Had a Farm,' performed in unhappy a cappella by Annie Leibovitz and Kris Jenner."
Translation: "Los Angeles is not always super hot. Right now it is not super hot. It's probably, like, 60 degrees. Very cool, borderline chilly. It smells like plants, because we're outside, and orange juice and champagne, because we're drinking mimosas. Kim and Kanye have great landscaping. Looks very nice! Kris Jenner and Annie Leibovitz are singing ‘Old MacDonald Had a Farm.' Presumably to North West (we hope??)."
The Text: "The frantic warblings of this unlikely duo are intended to entertain the geographically named North West, perched between her father, Kanye West, creative polyglot, and his fiancée, North's mother, Kim Kardashian, cultural phenomenon—or Kimye, as the media has dubbed the telegenic pair while it relentlessly tracks their every move.
Translation: "Annie Leibovitz and Kris Jenner ARE singing to North West! And it sounds...not great! North West, who is named after the direction and not...the movie(?), is sitting with her mom and dad. You already know who they are, though, so no one should ever use the phrase ‘creative polyglot.'"
The Text: "North (‘Kanye's side of the family calls her Nori,' says Kim) is poised on her mother's knee, a knee that is currently enveloped in a fall of Lanvin satin the color and consistency of double cream, fashioned by Alber Elbaz into a wedding dress of fifties haute couture magnificence. The dress is a fitting complement to Kim's voluptuous movie-star beauty, with her flashing Ava Gardner looks and Sophia Loren figure that have helped to establish a new contemporary body paradigm after an era of waifs."
Translation: "Kim Kardashian is wearing a dress."
The Test: "Small wonder that Kim idolizes Elizabeth Taylor...When Taylor's estate was sold to benefit the Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation, Kim even acquired some of those jewels herself. She also went to look at Taylor's house. ‘It was just so enchanting,' she remembers, ‘with a garden with really pretty trellises and beautiful roses, but it wasn't realistic for me to purchase. It only had a one-car garage.'"
Translation: "Kim Kardashian owns many cars. Kim Kardashian owns so many cars that she can not buy the late Elizabeth Taylor's small, but beautiful, home. Because where would she put all her cars in Elizabeth Taylor's small, but beautiful, home?"
The Text: "Although North has inherited her father's furrowed, quizzical brow, the pretty ten-month-old who is the focus of all this attention seems an island of preternatural serenity in the roiling sea of frenetic activity that is la vie Kimye."
Translation: "North West is a baby. But not like one of those babies who cries. She is a calm baby. Also, she is pretty and has eyebrows that show emotion. Not all babies have eyebrows, even less babies have eyebrows that show emotion. North West is not your average baby."
The Text: "North's parents have already involved her in their creative lives. "I take pictures of her all the time and dress her up," says Kim. "I put Kanye's big chains around her, and I put a little Louis bag and some Jordans, and I was like, ‘What up, Daddy?'' Kanye, meanwhile, has made an adorable little stop-frame video of North caught in her natural movements that he's edited to make it appear as if she's break-dancing."
Translation: "Kim Kardashian thinks North West would make a good meme. Meanwhile, Kanye West knows how to use an iPhone."
The Text: "'Anybody need anything?' asks the agelessly glamorous, apricot-skinned Kris, fluttering eyelashes as thick, long, and lustrous as a hummingbird's wings. ‘Water? Vodka? Get on my train!' she laughs. ‘Just kidding!' Kris (who, as Kim notes, ‘goes by the name of Lovey, not Grandma!') is an astute businesswoman and an executive producer of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, now in its eighth season. Her home office is stacked with Kardashian product and magazine spreads—there is even a framed copy of her estranged husband Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner's 1979 GQ cover.
Translation: "KRIS JENNER IS BEAUTIFUL. Kris Jenner is possibly a hoarder of Kardashian-related items. Kris Jenner just jokes about day drinking. Kris Jenner may have written this Vogue profile under a pseudonym or, at the very least, submitted a draft of notes. KRIS JENNER IS BEAUTIFUL AND HAS APRICOT SKIN."
(Just kidding! We love you, ya agelessly glamorous, apricot-skinned jokester! We will get on your train, ya agelessly glamorous, apricot-skinned train conductor! Choo choo!)