Nicole Kidman is looking back at a complicated time.
Though she reached a major career milestone in 2003 when she took home an Oscar for her role in The Hours, Nicole admits she was grappling with a difficult time in her personal life. Not long before her win, she and Tom Cruise finalized their divorce after 11 years of marriage.
"I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well," Nicole told author Dave Karger in his new book 50 Oscar Nights, according to People. "That's what happens, right?"
In fact, the Big Little Lies star—who shares daughter Isabella, 30, and son Connor, 28, with her ex-husband—recalled she wasn't quite up to celebrating after her big win.
"I'm not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party," she added, "and everyone was like, ‘You've got to go. You've got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award. I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn't feel humble.' Like, what? You can't walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They're like, ‘That's what you do.'"
So, that's just what Nicole did—except she wasn't truly in the moment.
"I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn't enjoy it," she explained. "I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more."
And after leaving the party, the 56-year-old noted a revelation came to her.
"I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel," she shared. "I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That's when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life."
The Undoing alum recalled, "Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.' I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I'm telling you, I'd be out for 24 hours."
And at least some of those hours would no doubt be spent with husband Keith Urban, who she wed in 2006. As the pair—who are parents to Sunday, 14, and Faith, 12—have noted, they'll always be there for each other through all the highs and lows.
"Meeting her and getting married wasn't life-changing, it was life-beginning," Keith told CBS News in 2016. "It was literally, like, 'OK, life starts.'"
Keep reading for a look back at their sweetest moments.
Keith shared this selfie on the couple's 16th anniversary.
The actress strokes her husband's face lovingly on the red carpet.
Urban sweetly holds Kidman's hand at the 2020 Golden Globe Awards, where she was nominated in the Best Actress in a TV Series (Drama) category for her work in Big Little Lies.
This cute moment between the couple was captured at the 2019 ACM Awards.
The actress cuddles up to her husband during the semi-finals match at the Australian Open.
The fan-favorite couple embrace after Keith's win at the 2018 CMA Awards.
Nicole and Keith embrace onstage during Lincoln Center's American Songbook Gala.
#Selfie! The country singer and actress pose for a picture at the CMA Awards.
In this 2017 Emmy Awards pic, it's Keith's turn to look down as Nicole leans in.
The duo is back to staring each other's eyes but Nicole makes the pic even more sweet by placing her hands on Keith's face.
The two look infatuated with each other on the red carpet at the premiere of The Killing of a Sacred Deer.
This pose is everything and the couple now has it down to a science.
The A-list couple shares an intimate kiss in this adorable picture that Nicole shared on Facebook.
In this pic, the couple gives a variation of their signature pose. Instead of staring into each other's eyes, Nicole looks down as Keith leans in to whisper in her ear. ADORABLE!
This candid pic proves that the couple does this pose IRL and not just on the red carpet.
The couple strikes their signature pose—leaning in and staring into each other's eyes.
The Hollywood couple shows off their pose for cameras.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban look in love.